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G. Peyton Wertenbaker

Green Peyton Wertenbaker was born on December 23, 1907 in New Castle, Delaware. He attended the University of Virginia. After graduation, he worked as a technical writer and eventually a journalist in addition to writing fiction. During World War II, Wertenbaker services in the U.S. Navy and was later associated with the USAF School of Aerospace Medicine.

Wertenbaker married Barkley Barbee and they had one son, George.

His first story, published in Science and Invention when he was 16 in 1923, was “The Man from the Atom.” Gernsback reprinted the story three years later in the first issue of Amazing Stories. The next month, he would become the first person to publish an original story in Amazing (as well as the first repeat author), when Gernsback published his obviously titled sequel “The Man from the Atom (sequel).” Wertenbaker would go three issues for three the next month with the appearance of “The Coming of the Ice.”

Science and Invention, 8/1923, Cover by Howard V. Brown

Along with Wertenbaker’s “The Man from the Atom,” the first issue of Amazing included a reprint story by Austin Hall. In January 1924, Weird Tales ran a letter from Wertenbaker which stated “In the September issue of Weird Tales, begins a romance by Austin Hall, entitled ‘The People of the Comet.’…You may imagine my surprise when I discovered that the idea that plays the most important part in it is one which I myself developed somewhat differently in a story about a month earlier. If you will consult Science and Invention…you will see my own tale ‘The Man from the Atom.’ Mr. Hall may possibly be interested in comparing it with his romance.” Wertenbaker’s letter indicates that he saw himself a fan of horror fiction, even if most of his own fiction was more science fiction.

Although Wertenbaker had a long and successful career as a writer, his science fiction formed only a small part of his work over a short period of time, with a mere eight years passing between the original publication of “The Man from the Atom” when he was 16 until “Elaine’s Tomb” when he was 24.

Wertenbaker also published under his first two names. His first novel, Black Cabin, was published in 1933 as by Green Peyton. Under that name he also wrote 5,000 Miles Toward Tokyo, San Antonio: City in the Sun, For God and Texas, and American’s Heartland: The Southwest and was considered an authority of the American Southwest.

Eventually, Wertenbaker moved to London, where he served as the UK correspondent for Fortune Magazine and also wrote for Time. In 1958, he wrote the scripts for the series Doctors in Space and joined NASA as a speechwriter, eventually taking on the role of NASA Chief Historian of the Aerospace Medical Division. In final book was the non-fiction Fifty Years of Aerospace Medicine.

Wertenbaker died on July 26, 1968 in San Antonio, Texas and was cremated.

Steven H Silver is a twenty-one-time Hugo Award nominee and was the publisher of the Hugo-nominated fanzine Argentus as well as the editor and publisher of ISFiC Press for eight years. He has also edited books for DAW, NESFA Press, and ZNB. His most recent anthology is Alternate Peace and his novel After Hastings was published in 2020. Steven has chaired the first Midwest Construction, Windycon three times, and the SFWA Nebula Conference numerous times. He was programming chair for Chicon 2000 and Vice Chair of Chicon 7.

 I received a review copy from the publisher. This does not affect the contents of my review and all opinions are my own.

The Caretaker by Marcus Kliewer

Mogsy’s Rating (Overall): 3.5 of 5 stars

Genre: Horror

Series: Stand Alone

Publisher: Simon & Schuster Audio (April 21, 2026)

Length: 9 hrs and 33 mins

Author Information: Website

This was my first Marcus Kliewer book, and I was quite excited to tackle it since I’ve heard such great things about his debut We Used to Live Here. And now I can see why his style of horror has garnered him so many fans. The Caretaker leans hard into that brand of eerie, slow-burn horror where you’re never quite sure what’s real and what’s simply the protagonist’s sanity unraveling inside her own mind. But at the same time, the writing doesn’t always complement the story’s goals, often running long and being repetitive in ways that took away from the tension. That said, I also listened to this in audio, so it’s possible that the format might have made these issues stand out more.

The story follows Macy Mullins, a young woman barely keeping her head above water. After her father’s death, she’s left as the sole guardian of her teenage sister, and between the grief and a growing pile of bills, survival has become a daily struggle. Desperate to keep the rent paid and the lights on in their tiny apartment, Macy can’t afford to be picky about work. So when she stumbles across a vague Craigslist ad offering a short-term caretaking job at an isolated coastal property, with suspiciously generous pay, she decides to take the chance. Even if the woman hiring her is evasive about the details, and the job itself comes with a list of strange, unsettling requirements, it’s hard to say no to that kind of money for just a few days’ work.

At first, the rules seem odd but manageable. The homeowner explains they were put in place by her late husband, who insisted they be followed to the letter even after his death, with all instructions recorded on a VHS tape for Macy to watch. Some involve checking lights at specific times in the middle of the night, answering mysterious phone calls, and keeping a close eye on the rabbits that roam the property. Strange, sure, but straightforward. However, it doesn’t take long for things to spiral. Small mistakes lead to escalating consequences, and the written instructions in the event of failure quickly become more extreme, more unsettling, and at times outright unhinged. As Macy struggles to keep up with these “rites” that grow increasingly complex and difficult to follow, she finds her grip on reality slipping, blurred by exhaustion, fear, and the surreal nature of what’s happening around her. What started as a simple job soon reveals itself to be something far bigger, more dangerous, and impossible to escape.

First, the positives. The Caretaker really shines when it comes to concept and atmosphere. After looking into the author, I also discovered that Marcus Kliewer likes to weave mental health themes into his work. For example, OCD features heavily in this story, and the allusions aren’t exactly subtle. You can see it in the way the rites are structured, or the constant dread tied to getting them wrong. As someone with OCD though, I was surprised how strongly these connections resonated, like the constant checking, the double-checking, the second-guessing, and the intrusive thoughts that something terrible will happen if you don’t get it just right. Overall, it’s a clever use of horror that adds an extra layer of meaning beneath the strangeness, and I thought it worked really well.

But now, the elements that didn’t work so well. For me, the biggest weakness was the novel’s longwindedness with certain ideas, such as whole paragraphs devoted to expounding on topics related to Macy’s financial struggles, her cigarette cravings, how crappy her apartment is, etc. The writing had this tendency to keep pressing on things you’ve long already absorbed, and it’s like, “Okay, I get it!” It’s very conspicuous in audio and very distracting, making it easy to lose focus and drift off once the rambling starts.

In the end, The Caretaker is a solid if imperfect novel of psychological horror. It has a unique hook, interesting themes, and some genuinely unsettling moments. However, it’s also weighed down by repetition and an overextended runtime, making the final sections drag on and on. Still, pacing issues aside, this is one to check out if you’re drawn to horror that excels at building a strong sense of dread, and the audiobook is worth a listen as well.

The movie Return to Silent Hill (2026) is an adaptation of the psychological horror Silent Hill 2 (SH2) video game that was rebooted by Konami under Bloober Team in 2024. This ‘return’ film is directed by Christophe Gans, who championed the original 2006 film (which loosely adapted the first video game released in 1999). With the resounding success of the Bloober SH2 video game reboot, fans of the horror series had hope that the movie would pack a 1-2 punch, but it has been received poorly. Why?

Not helping the United States release was an ill-timed blizzard that stretched across the country (Wikipedia even has an entry about the storm). I suspect if that were a fog-storm (do those exist?), then ticket sales would have skyrocketed. At this point, almost every blogger and reviewer who has seen the movie has been pissed since it did not seem to represent the core elements of the game; I was in a similar camp until I dissected the film for this article. Here’s the Deal.

All warnings and advisories issued in the US due to the January 23–27 winter storm (Source: Wikipedia)

James Sunderland appears to be the focus since the movie opens with him driving a car to a lookout featuring Silent Hill, as would be expected from the video games (both original and release) and the Trailer.  The truth is, the movie is really not about him. Also, you’ll meet a ton of characters, and they will mirror characters in the game… except in the movie, they aren’t really different people.

So:

• If you do not know the lore, you’ll take the characters at face value when introduced (different names imply different people), and you’ll get confused later
• Fans knowing the lore will watch assuming the same… and get confused… and pissed

To deliver this sucker punch approach, Gans’ production delivery had to be perfect. And it was off. I had to meticulously screen capture, crop, and dissect the movie to change my mind about the work. Why reveal spoilers here?  Most of the internet already has, including Gans in his interview (links below), and, for me, the movie would have been more enjoyable knowing what I know now. What at first appears to be a big mess is actually a coherent offering.

Anyway, in short, as teased by the header image, there is something about Mary.

Read on! Maybe you will enjoy the film more!

Expectations of Artistic Horror from Silent Hill

Being Dark Muse News, we are focused on beautiful, horrific art. With the resurgence of Silent Hill games, Silent Hill f released late 2025, just months before the Return to Silent Hill movie. This game is set in 1960s Japan, focusing on a teenage girl named Hinako Shimizu, and it doesn’t share creators with the film.

Anyway, it’s a great game that I hope to cover soon; we mention it here because its tagline is “Find the Beauty in Terror” which can be found on the buses in Japan and on the home screen of the PS5 console. Its use of red spider lilies (higanbana) instead of creepy, red paint used in prior SH offerings brought with it the beautiful horror it promised. Could the movie, released months after “f” have the same artistic, beautiful take on terror?

TOP: James Sunderland opens a letter from Mary in his art studio (Return to Silent Hill Movie) BOTTOM: Thurber, and artist in Pickman’s Model – Netflix adaptation  (Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities Season 1, Ep 5) James is a Painter! But he isn’t Lovecraft’s Pickman / Thurber

Ok, so we are revved up, expecting blends of art and horror from the SH franchise. In the game, the protagonist is James Sunderland, who was an “average Joe” everyman. In the movie, he is portrayed as a painter! As soon as I learned this from the trail and internet hype, I was excited, since I had hopes of the character being more deep, something like the artist(s) in H. P. Lovecraft’s 1927 “Pickman’s Model” (wherein Richard Upton Pickman painted monstrosities that were more real than his audience knew; the story is fantastic and occasionally adapted to film, such as Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities Season 1, Ep 5, 2022).

In Return to Silent Hill, James is only shown painting in one instance. As far as screen time goes, the painter aspect is not fleshed out much (this post highlights the most relevant, painting snapshots).

It’s a lost opportunity. Artsy elements were set up, but they are swamped out by CGI antics, with more time dedicated to atmospheric ambiance (which was overdone). James’ ability to paint feels thrown in as a bonus, rather than a critical design element. Why did we not see him portray Mary in action, watch him capture her emotions? Watch him make the gallery shown later in the movie (for about a minute when he races through it with Maria).

He could have stopped to analyze those paintings, inquire about his muse, and what was in them. Instead, he just races by them. I purchased and skimmed the Novelization by John Passarella, hoping to unearth some arcana, but it provides even less depth on the paintings than the movie.

.

Spoiler: There’s Something About Mary!

So why would James’ character not be fleshed out more? Well, he was not the main draw, apparently. In a sense, Return to Silent Hill (2026) has more in common with There’s Something About Mary (1998), a romantic comedy in which Ben Stiller plays a man who pines for his old crush Mary Jensen (played by Cameron Diaz). Both movies are romances where a blond woman named Mary is sought out. RtSH was really more about Mary than James. Note that, according to Reddit and fan lore, a SH2 documentary had the character designers identifying Cameron Diaz as an inspiration for Maria’s character.

LEFT: Cameron Diaz; RIGHT Maria from Silent Hill 2 (original game)

The evidence that movie is not really about James, but is about Mary? Well, Christopher Gans told the public via interviews with Fandomwire (link) and Temple of Geek (link to where Gans explains that Angela is Mary too). This explains why actress Hannah Emily Anderson plays four ‘distinct’ roles in the 2026 film Return to Silent Hill: Mary Crane, Maria, Angela, and monstrous/moth Mary.

Evie Templeton played the character Laura, who, by chance, apparently also did the voice and motion capture for the same character in Bloober’s SH2. The explicit evidence of a universal Mary existing is Laura’s reveal at the Lakeview Hotel, when she reminded James that the tombstone for Mary has this inscription: “Mary Angela Laura Crane.” In the video game, Laura is a girl whom Mary met in the hospital, and Angela is a depressed survivor of sexual abuse.  The film conversely posits that Angela, Mary, and Laura are all the same! For me, I would have enjoyed the movie more if I had known this ‘sucker punch’ spoiler.

For first-time watchers, the film appears to be a mess until the grand reveal of the tombstone naming. There are tons of characters that seem to require more screen time and stories fleshed out. They all play roles similar to what they had in the games, but are left fragmented. Once we know that many of the characters in the movie are literally Mary in different forms, then we can enjoy it a lot more.

Return to Silent Hill is really about her. Let go of a few red herrings and cameos (i.e., Eddie) and focus on the implications.

Embracing There’s something about Mary

The consequence of having Laura, Angela, Mary, and Mary’s monstrous version of herself all being the same entity is profound.  It implies that the Abstract Daddy is Mary’s father, who abused her sexually (more so than the cultish poisoning).  It implies her connection to the town is so powerful that her soul/identity manifests throughout everything. It means she was trying to communicate with James through several versions of herself.

In the film, Abstract Daddy was Mary’s father. Mary’s father and his cult (The Order) abused her, drugged and manipulated her.  James catches Mary when she wants to leave the cult at the overlook at the beginning, and he brings her back. He is responsible for her not leaving the cult!

Character Differences: Game vs Movie Character SH2 Video Game(s) Return to Silent Hill movie James Sunderland Focal Character of Story, knew his wife was terminally ill A foil character for Mary …. it’s all about Mary. James did not know Mary was sick Silent Hill A resort/retreat town that James and Mary Mary’s birthplace, a trap she is trying to escape Mary _____ Mary Shepherd-Sunderland, WIFE of James, victim of  terminal disease, and later to James Mary Crane, a GIRLFRIEND of James, a victim to her father’s abuse and the cult of Silent Hill Laura A girl whom Mary befriended in Brookhaven Hospital A younger Mary Angela A woman abused by her father Another version of Mary Maria An alternative version of Mary, a sluttier version of his wife A doppelganger Mary, a sluttier version of his girlfriend, is not real Pyramid Head A monstrous manifestation of James ’ sexual frustrations An angry/champion version of James, fighting on his behalf against the monstrous version of Mary (the version of her that the cult encouraged her to become

 

Incarnations of Mary

Pyramid Head is James’s Buddy/Self

The movie introduces Pyramid Head as an entity chasing him/Laura, but then it becomes clear that it is not after James. It is after the monsters and unreal things haunting James. Pyramid Head doesn’t rape maniquins as he does in the video games; here he struggles with the monster version of Mary.  James’s only painting (done when he had a beard, so before the timeline of the film) is a self-portrait that assumes the Pyramid Head mask. Many times in the film, both James and Pyramid Head mirror each other’s gestures.

Improvements (and/or things I wish to see in a Director’s Cut)

For my first viewing, the movie was too different than the game and too confusing for me to catch the artistic nuances. Analyzing it for this post made me more sympathetic to Mary (and happier to rewatch the film). Below are a few additions I would have enjoyed, and if there is a god in Silent Hill, perhaps some of them exist in a Director’s Cut.

• Have Mary be focused in the beginning scene (not James in the car); have her climb out of the valley to the overlook, maybe even dropping a sacred doll or relic of the cult to demonstrate her escape
• Have James place a rose on a tombstone when he meets Angela (instead of carrying sandbags with her)
• Have James actively paint Mary, show them interacting, and him exercising his craft. Show him learning about her as he paints. Show her hiding her odd past with the cult, turning into a monster.  Maybe he sees the emerging monster in her, and paints it.

Now that you are in the know, you’ll appreciate the artistic juxtaposition of hands/faces between James/Mary (and the Order Cult/Mary)

S.E. Lindberg is a Managing Editor at Black Gate, regularly reviewing books and interviewing authors on the topic of “Beauty & Art in Weird-Fantasy Fiction.” He has taken lead roles organizing the Gen Con Writers’ Symposium (chairing it in 2023), is the lead moderator of the Goodreads Sword & Sorcery Group, and was an intern for Tales from the Magician’s Skull magazine. As for crafting stories, he has contributed eight entries across Perseid Press’s Heroes in Hell and Heroika series, and has an entry in Weirdbook Annual #3: Zombies. He independently publishes novels under the banner Dyscrasia Fiction; short stories of Dyscrasia Fiction have appeared in Whetstone Amateur S&S Magazine, Swords & Sorcery online magazine, Rogues In the House Podcast’s A Book of Blades Vol I & II, DMR’s Terra Incognita, the 9th issue of Tales From the Magician’s Skull, Savage Realms Magazine, and Michael Stackpole’s S&S Chain Story 2 Project.

Another occasion to see House Andrews live!

Ilona and Gordon will appear as Featured Authors at the 2026 Columbus Book Festival on July 11 and 12, 2026.

Hosted by the Columbus Metropolitan Library Foundation, the festival events will be held at Main Library, 96 S. Grant Ave, and in the adjacent Topiary Park at the corner of Town and Washington Streets.

If you would like to see House Andrews in person, here is where to find them:

• Saturday, July 11 at 1:00 PM Spirits, Spells & Swoons: Romantasy | Stage 2

House Andrews will be talking romantasy, magic, danger, and all the delicious complications that come with throwing feelings into a fantasy kingdom that’s trying to kill you. Joining them on the panel are BFF Jeaniene Frost (A Curse of Beasts and Magic) and Shalini Abeysekara (This Blade of Ours).

• Sunday, July 12 at 10:30 AM Speed Matching | Room 2A

In Speed Matching, readers meet authors in small groups for quick five-minute rounds, getting a personal introduction to each book before the authors rotate to the next table.

• Sunday, July 12 at 3:00 PM God Complex: World-Building | Stage 2

Later that afternoon, Ilona Andrews will return to Stage 2 for a conversation about world-building alongside John Chu (The Subtle Art of Folding Space) and K.X. Song (The Dragon Wakes with Thunder). If your favorite part of fantasy is seeing how an author builds a world that feels layered, lived-in, and slightly alarming to inhabit, this is likely your panel.

Tickets?

All of these sessions are free and open to the public, with no tickets required. Seating for panel discussions is first come, first served however, so if there is a session you particularly want to attend, arriving early is your friend.

Signed books?

Yes! After each scheduled appearance (so both panels as well as the Speed Matching), Ilona and Gordon will head to their assigned table in the 2nd Floor Reading Room for a one-hour signing session, where readers will be able to meet them and have books signed.

The festival bookstore will also be set up there, with new releases as well as back-titles from all the featured festival authors available for purchase. By buying books at the Official Festival Bookstore you are supporting your local independent book stores! It is a partnership between Cover to Cover, The Book Loft, Gramercy Books, and Prologue Bookshop.

The festival organizers will also be announcing the full author lineup, exhibitors, and updated festival information through the official festival website which is here.

Book Clubs

One more quick note while I have your attention.

If you previously sent a request for a personalised book club letter from House Andrews and did not receive a response, please resend it with the subject line: Book Club Letter Request.

Both Ilona and myself have been truly buried under a truly ridiculous amount of fake “book club” spam lately, the ChatGPT-written kind that promises followers, Hollywood connections, immortal Texan ferrets in space, the works.

Some of the legitimate requests may have been accidentally sacrificed during the cleanup. Using that exact subject line will help real requests stand out from the nonsense.

Happy BDHing!

The post House Andrews at the 2026 Columbus Book Festival first appeared on ILONA ANDREWS.

LitStack Spots Matt Haig LitStack has spotted a few other titles we want on our…

The post Spotlight on “The Midnight Train” by Matt Haig appeared first on LitStack.

Lords of Dyscrasia by S. E. Lindberg (IGNIS Publishing, July 7, 2011). Cover by S. E. Lindberg

One of the most unique voices working in Sword & Sorcery today is S. E. Lindberg. I met Seth a few years back and we’ve corresponded frequently as well as running into each other here at Black Gate, where he is the Managing Editor, and at Goodreads. Lindberg has put together a unique setting for what he calls Dyscrasia Fiction.

Dyscrasia means “a bad mixture of liquids,” which is related to the Greek concept of the four “humors” of Blood, Phlegm, Black Bile, and Yellow Bile. In Dyscrasia fiction, these humors are sources of magical power and often soul and body corrupting influences.

Helen’s Daimones by S. E. Lindberg (IGNIS Publishing, September 22, 2017). Cover by Daniel Landerman

The three novels available now are

Lords of Dyscrasia (2011)
Spawn of Dyscrasia (2014)
Helen’s Daimones (2017)

Although Helen’s Daimones was the most recently published, Lindberg suggests new readers start with it since it sets the tone for the other books.

Wherever you start, though, you’ll find a combination of beautiful language and powerful imagination. These works are hallucinogenic, dream-like, full of wraiths and apparitions — and sometimes horrors. Ideas and images pile one on top of another with an intensity that is far from common in fantasy literature.

Spawn of Dyscrasia (IGNIS Publishing, July 17, 2015). Cover by Ken Kelly

I admire the author’s ability to maintain that intensity throughout his works; his world-building never stumbles, and the result is a unique fantasy vision that rises to the level of art.

A word about the covers for these books. The first was created by Lindberg himself, who also has other artistic skills in addition to writing. Spawn of Dyscrasia has an amazing cover by Ken Kelly, and Helen’s Daimones has a great cover by Daniel Landerman.

There are also a number of short stories tied to the Dyscrasia setting. For more information, check out Seth’s webpage or his Facebook page, or have a look at Joe Bonadonna’s 2015 review of Lords of Dyscrasia, here at Black Gate.

Charles Gramlich administers The Swords & Planet League group on Facebook, where this post first appeared. His last article for us was a review of The Barbarian Swordsmen, edited by Peter Haining. See all of his recent posts for Black Gate here.

Today’s Women in SF&F Month guest is Nghi Vo! Her short stories and novelettes include the Hugo Award winner “Stitched to Skin like Family Is” and the Shirley Jackson Award winner “What the Dead Know.” She is also the author of the fantasy novels Siren Queen, which was a World Fantasy, Locus, and Ignyte Award finalist, and The City in Glass, which was a finalist for the Mythopoeic Fantasy and Locus Awards plus the Ursula K. Le Guin Prize. Her next […]

The post Women in SF&F Month: Nghi Vo first appeared on Fantasy Cafe.

Pressida grimaced and unhooked a small barrel secured to her saddle. Her Andican mare gave the barrel a derisive snort. Pressida had tied her on the other side of the log, well out of Keraengle’s kicking range.

“That is what I love about knighthood.” Pressida pulled a knife out, pried the lid off the barrel, and dumped two gallons of ripe fish entrails onto the beach. “The sheer glamor of the job.”

The post Snippet Wednesday: the Glamor first appeared on ILONA ANDREWS.

Here are 7 Author Shoutouts for this week. Find your favorite author or discover an…

The post 7 Author Shoutouts | Authors We Love To Recommend appeared first on LitStack.

The Unbroken anthology – featuring an all new fantasy novella from me – is now live on Kickstarter. 

Unbroken features original, never before published stories from 36 of the most prominent SFF authors working today (and me). Here’s the full line-up:

My novella is entitled The Black Reivers and will appeal to those who like their military fantasy with a whiff of gunpowder.

To support this project head on over to the Kickstarter page:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/unbroken/unbroken-new-tales-by-masters-of-fantasy

In other news, updated where-to-buy links for Upon the Forge of Battle, the third and final book in the Age of Wrath trilogy, are here covering all formats. The book will be released on August 25th. Buy here:

UK Hardcover: Amazon.co.uk – Waterstones – Blackwells

US Paperback: Amazon.com – Barnes & Noble – Bookshop.org

Ebook: Amazon.com – Barnes & Noble – Kobo – Bookshop.org – Google Play

Audiobook: Audible.com – Audible.co.uk – Barnes & Noble – Google Play – Kobo

Book description:

As the Age of Wrath reaches its bloody conclusion, the world will be reforged in steel and fire . . .

Thera Blackspear was once champion to the Sister Queens. Now she’s a queen herself, with Elvine as her spear maiden, wielding a weapon forged by the gods. But while the traitorous Sister Lore plots in the shadows, Ascarlia will never be safe.

Felnir has won a crown of his own and forged a kingdom at the tip of his divine blade. Yet his dreams are troubled by visions of the brother he thought long dead. A brother who needs his help, and whom Felnir would give anything to save – even his hard-won kingship.

Ruhlin’s many victories have made him a hero to the Morvek, who believe he is the prophesied saviour who will overthrow their Nihlvarian enemies. But now he finds himself a prisoner of the Vortigurn, the King of Nihlvar, who has secrets and schemes of his own.

Secrets that could unmake the world.

Upon the Forge of Battle is the epic conclusion to Anthony Ryan’s Age of Wrath trilogy, a gripping fantasy saga of bloody retribution, deadly intrigue, and soaring heroism.

Lewis Buzbee calls us out with Books I Was Once To Cool To Read. Maybe…

The post Books I Was Once Too Cool to Read appeared first on LitStack.

Excalibur (Warner Bros, April 10, 1981) Excalibur (141 minutes; 1981)

Written by Rospo Pallenberg and John Boorman. Directed by John Boorman.

Loosely based on Le Morte d’Arthur by Thomas Malory.

What is it?

A classic telling of the story of King Arthur, the Knights of the Round Table, the quest for the Holy Grail, and the magical sword Excalibur.

Many filmed adaptations of that story have followed. This one, however, with its heightened sense of wonder and layers of magic woven throughout, probably remains the best-loved, most visually stunning, and most talked-about of them all.

Arthur and Guenevere in Excalibur Noteworthy

The story goes that Boorman, legendary director of films as lofty as Hope and Glory (1987) and as derided as Zardoz (1974), brought the idea of a film about King Arthur to United Artists in 1969. The studio rejected his original script, which ran three hours, on the grounds of its enormous expected cost to produce. They suggested he make an adaptation of The Lord of the Rings instead. Because that would’ve been shorter and cost less money–?!

Boorman briefly went along with the Rings idea, at least long enough that costume and set designs for Middle-Earth were drafted. Some of these would later be recycled for use on Excalibur.

It took him the entire decade of the Seventies to do it, but eventually he raised enough funds and support to begin work on the movie he’d wanted to make all along.

Liam Neeson and Helen Mirren in Excalibur

Boorman couldn’t afford the top actors of the day, so instead he did a remarkable job of finding the top actors of tomorrow, and fitting them into his budget. We therefore get the likes of Liam Neeson, Gabriel Byrne, Ciaran Hinds and Patrick Stewart, all in minor supporting roles. The film’s actual leads include Nigel Terry as Arthur (from teen to aged), Helen Mirren as Morgana, Nicholas Clay as Lancelot, Cherie Lunghi as Guenevere, Paul Geoffrey as Perceval and Nicol Williamson as Merlin.

On a budget of $11 million ($41 million in 2026), Excalibur brought in $35 million ($131 million today) at the North American box office. And of course it went on to become a staple on cable TV.

Morgana and Mordred

At Cannes in 1981, it won for “Best Artistic Contribution.” It received an Oscar nomination for “Best Cinematography” and a BAFTA nomination for “Best Costume Design.”

Appropriately enough, Boorman was himself knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 2022.

Uthur receives the sword Quick and Dirty Summary

The wizard Merlin receives the magical sword Excalibur from the mystical force known as the Lady of the Lake and gives it to Arthur’s future father, Uther Pendragon. Uther uses it to conquer and unify the kingdom. Through Merlin’s magic, Uther seduces a rival’s queen and she gives birth to Arthur. Merlin takes young Arthur away to be raised by another nobleman. Uther implants Excalibur into a stone, and only the future king can draw it out. (Though, like folks lining up to try to lift Thor’s hammer, everyone takes a shot at it.)

A young Arthur draws the sword from the stone, becomes king, unifies the kingdom and creates the Round Table for his knights.

Arthur draws the sword

Conflict arises from various quarters. There’s a quest for the Holy Grail, more great battles and more sorcery.

Eventually most of the main characters square off against one another, in clashes of swords and magic. Merlin overcomes the sorceress Morgana’s spells, Arthur’s son Mordred kills his mother (it’s complicated), and then he and his father slay one another in battle. Before he dies, Arthur orders the sword Excalibur returned to the Lady of the Lake, where it will await the next time England finds itself in need of its power.

Mordred dons the armor

In addition to being an awesome saga of knights and wizards and battles, the story reflects a deeper idea about the relationship between the people, the land and the king. Here, King Arthur, the sword Excalibur, and the land of England are all tied together in mystical fashion, such that harm to one harms the others, and jealousy and bad actions by the king result in misery and unhappiness for the people and the land. Only by redeeming himself can Arthur restore the land and people to health and prosperity.

Guenevere comes to Lancelot Fantasy/SF/Sword & Sorcery Elements

The most obvious examples are Merlin and Morgana and their use of magical powers. The fact that everyone else takes completely for granted the fact that magic is real and is being used around them constantly, including on the battlefield, only reinforces the sense that this is a different England from the one we know. Sorcery is rather commonplace and expected in and around Camelot.

Excalibur itself is a magical weapon. Other supernatural elements include Mordred’s golden armor that cannot be harmed by any weapon forged by Man; the Lady of the Lake distributing magical swords from her watery confines; and the fact that the land suffers when Arthur is low and prospers when he is redeemed.

Patrick Stewart and Cherie Lunghi in Excalibur High Point

There are many to choose from, but my favorite has always been the moment when a young Arthur is part of an army besieging a castle commanded by a rival nobleman. Arthur, at this point still in the simple garb of a squire, confronts one of the enemy’s vassal knights. Arthur demands the knight swear fealty to him, but the knight scoffs that he couldn’t even if he desired to, because Arthur is but a squire.

This represents no real hurdle for Arthur. He simply hands Excalibur to the knight and commands his enemy to knight him, there on the battlefield. Arthur has thus rendered himself unarmed and defenseless, and has given over the great sword of kings to his enemy.

Arthur asks to be knighted

The battle comes to a very abrupt halt as knights and soldiers all around look on in astonishment. Everyone clearly expects the knight to strike foolish Arthur down with Excalibur and claim the sword as his own. The knight even appears resolved to follow that course of action.

He raises Excalibur to deliver the killing stroke. But then, whether from the compulsion of some magical force or out of simple respect for Arthur’s bravery, he finds he cannot do so. Instead he brings the sword down on Arthur’s shoulders and speaks the words, knighting him. Arthur, for his part, takes this all in stride, reclaims Excalibur from the bewildered knight, and declares victory.

Helen Mirren as Morgana Low Point

If there is a low point, perhaps it is in how Gabriel Byrne’s Uther reacts upon first laying eyes upon Igrayne, the queen whom he will later trick into sleeping with him. Uther loses his fool mind, declares that he will move heaven and earth to have one night with the lass, and demands that Merlin use his spells to make it happen.

This question arises: Why does Merlin not only go along with this foul act but actually enable what is without question rape? If Merlin knew that Igrayne bearing Uther’s child was vital to the future of the realm, it seems there are many other ways that such a thing could’ve been arranged, none of which need include outright deception and violation in this manner. Indeed, Merlin behaves as if it is all quite unexpected and he wants nothing to do with it, yet he actually facilitates it.

Nicol Williamson as Merlin in Excalibur Standout Performance

In a movie that includes the likes of Neeson, Stewart and Mirren, can there be any question that Nicol Williamson absolutely dominates the screen any time he appears? What he achieves here places Merlin on par with such legendary and movie-stealing supporting performances as Val Kilmer’s “Doc Holliday” in Tombstone and Alan Rickman’s “Hans Gruber” in Die Hard.

Williamson is by turns menacing, silly, vulnerable, outraged, commanding, and hilarious. He spends most of the movie warning Arthur about the dangers of various women, then falls into the trap of one himself.

That relationship – Merlin and Morgana, played by Helen Mirren – was fiery off-screen as well as on. Boorman intentionally cast Mirren in the role because he knew she and Williamson couldn’t stand one another. He anticipated fireworks as a result, and he got them.

Arthur and Guenevere Overall Evaluation as a Movie and as Fantasy/SF/Sword & Sorcery

Excalibur exists in a strange in-between realm. On the one hand, it very much looks like a product of the early Eighties; in places, almost like a glorified stage play. On the other, the performances by a cadre of legendary actors still jump off the screen, and the cinematography and visuals (with no CGI!) remain radiant and lush to this day.

It’s a timeless tale, well-told by Boorman and company. Watching it again in 2026, the armor still gleams, Excalibur’s magic yet flashes, and the Williamson-Mirren sparks continue to fly.

All told, it’s for the best Boorman chose the sword over the ring.

Van Allen Plexico is a member of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America (SFWA), a Grand Master of Pulp Literature (2025 class) and a multiple-award-winning author of more than two dozen novels and anthologies, ranging from space opera to Kaiju to crime fiction to superheroes to military SF. He notably edited, co-created and co-wrote the Sword and Sorcery anthology GIDEON CAIN: DEMON HUNTER. Find all of his works on Amazon and at Plexico.net.

The Demon King is the third and final installment of Peter V. Brett’s Nightfall saga, closing the saga of Olive Paper and Darin Bales, as well as the world introduced in The Warded Man, the first Demon Cycle novel. For now, at least. The second installment, The Hidden Queen left readers in a lurch, with…

Tattoo artist Talia is inking her last customer of the night with a hideous snake on his butt when she runs out of ink. With little option she enters her boss’s office and swipes a little of the ink she is forbidden from using.

And suddenly the snake that was a tattoo, is no longer a tattoo but a very real snake hissing at her.

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At first I wasn’t really feeling this book. I picked it up in a sale at audible and honestly if it wasn’t on special I probably would not have bought it. 

But I’m man enough to admit when I was wrong. 

This is a great book. Took a while to suck me in, but suck me in it did and I ended up loving it.

Albert’s mother championed Earth Day and its environmental causes. The cause became her first priority, almost an obsession. And Albert’s obsession? His mother. In her honor, he will Save The Earth…maybe not in the way she expected.

“Earth Day” is free on this site for one week only. If you just want a copy of this story, download it on any e-book site or by clicking here. Enjoy!

Earth Day Kristine Kathryn Rusch

Case Number: HSFBDC42225I17

Excerpt:

…personal documents identify him as Albert Suttles, but in his statement, he repeatedly referred to himself as Raymond Bilojek…

My mom had an obsession with Senator Gaylord Nelson. Nobody remembers him any more, except in dusty old history books, not that there are dusty old history books any more. Everything’s online now. Even our confessionals.

Here’s mine.

Let me start again.

Mom had an obsession with Senator Gaylord Nelson. Not a stalkerish obsession, but one of those I-think-this-man-is-the-greatest obsessions. She used him as an example all the time, particularly in the dysfunctional early decades of this century.

There are no more men like Senator Gaylord Nelson, she said to me on her deathbed—not that I was with her at her deathbed. I was a full professor by then, supervising more research than I truly had time for, living in Berkeley, and enjoying it. Especially the weather. California weather, for a good Wisconsin boy, is like an early glimpse of heaven.

Not to mention that I spent my formal education in cold places. The University of Wisconsin-Madison, Yale, MIT. If it weren’t for my second post-doc at Cal-Tech, I would’ve thought that you had to nurture scientists in the cold in order for them to flower.

But I promised myself no jokes in this manifesto. Not that people get my jokes anyway. I’m too quiet. I think of the joke, turn it over in my mind, then inject it too late into the conversation. People have looked at me funny my entire life.

I long ago gave up trying to impress the unwashed with my conversational skills, even though I admire folks who have them. Earliest influences for me include comedians, especially the really brainy ones—George Carlin, Dennis Miller, Lewis Black—the ones who can quip their way out of anything. Or I thought they could, until I saw Carlin in his dotage, just out of rehab, working off a paper script, telling the audience honestly that he was testing material for an HBO special.

You remember HBO, right? That’s where I first saw the “Seven Words You Can’t Say On Television” speech. I must’ve been ten, maybe, one of those years when we could afford premium cable. 1977? Something like that. We were pretty itinerant, and I didn’t see much television at all, especially premium television as it was called then. So I remembered seeing Carlin on HBO.

But his other routines? I didn’t see those until later. And his influential “bad case of fleas” routine? I didn’t see that one until maybe mid-2007, on the Internet. Ironic, right?

Anyway, Mom. Senator Gaylord Nelson. She met him, you know. One of those Earth Day rallies back in the day. Said I met him too, back when Earth Day was a movement, and she was part of it. Not that she ever left the movement.

The movement defined our lives. She’d say, we moved for the environment.

Not for the weather, like normal people. But for the environment. Someone needed a volunteer to coordinate rallies? Mom was there. Someone needed a volunteer to post flyers? Mom was there. We lived off the kindness of strangers, she’d say, and it took me years to understand that she was quoting a Tennessee Williams play.

The kindness of strangers got me into a science-only high school. We need scientists, too, the man who fronted everything said. He was one of those truly rich bastards, the kind who gave his money to all sorts of causes. But his favorite was Mom’s favorite: the environment.

Everything from the Sierra Club to some wacky fringe organization (Save The Cockroaches!), this guy gave it money. And he funded Mom for years, which is something I don’t want to think about even now. Because I don’t know why Mom in particular, even though I have a hunch.

It does go back to Mom, you know. I’m smart enough to know that. The therapist I hired at my first tenured position told me I was “unhealthily obsessed” with her, and we had to break the obsession. That therapist couldn’t divorce me from Mom entirely. I recognize that too. Because without Mom, I wouldn’t be a tenured professor with a large research staff and grants for fifteen different projects, including the private one you’re seeing today.

Or will see today.

But I digress.

My digressions are why I’m not doing this as a video. Or a holographic video. Some kind of statement broadcast on every single remaining broadcast channel.

The Internet.

No one’ll see this until after.

But then, no one will see it after either.

Heh. Just realized.

This is all for me.

Case Number: HSFBDC42225I17

Excerpt:

…his research assistants, graduate students, and post-doctoral candidates weren’t hard to find. All wore Earth Day T-shirts, modeled on the first Earth Day poster from 1970. Separate interviews attached. Each mentions Suttles/Bilojek’s insistence on the Earth Day experiment, which most participated in for a grade or because they were terrified of losing their research posting…

My influences:

1. Comedians (see above).
2. Space photos, particularly that one from the late 1960s—you know, the beautiful blue-and-green globe? That was Mom’s favorite too. But for different reasons. Me, I like the vivid colors, the rocks against the blackness, the vibrant life that we don’t recognize as life—you know, the sun big and deep like an ocean, with storms and spots and—I could go on forever. But we don’t have forever. ?
3. Great scientists from the past. The unassuming guys, at least in the beginning. Archimedes in the bathtub. Galileo dropping balls from the Tower of Pisa. Einstein contemplating the universe from the silence of the patent office.

They didn’t have grants and grad students, publish-or-perish mandates, the necessity of finding the smallest niche in the large world of science just to get someone to fund a project. They didn’t have to write grandiose papers before their discoveries. Sometimes they didn’t even write grandiose papers after their discoveries.

So of course, in this modern era, I decided not to write a grandiose paper either. I got dozens and dozens of smaller grants, on smaller topics, and isn’t it ironic that if you Google (Google. Heh. Created outside the system.) my professional name, you’ll see article after article, interview after interview, with me, whom they call the Scientist of Small Things.

Apparently I did find notice. Someone—maybe a scientifically minded clerk, handling grant applications for the U.S. government—noticed my name originating most of them.

No one put together all the topics, though.

No one except me.

Case Number: HSFBDC42225I17

Excerpt:

…appended to this file a report from several different departments in Homeland Security, as well as reports from similar bureaus in Germany, Russia, China, South Africa…

Senator Gaylord Nelson, founder of Earth Day and, some say, the founder of the modern environmental movement, was a saint. George Carlin, comedian, the enemy.

At least according to Mom. On her deathbed. Or what I call her deathbed—that dreadful nursing home bed she didn’t leave for the last few years of her life. I saw her a year before she died—2007—and after that I discovered why Carlin was the enemy.

In that wonderful, eye-opening routine, he said he hated Earth Day. He said, and I quote: “Environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat.”

Ah, it rang true. It rang so true.

That’s when I realized all my degrees, all those little environmental things I was doing weren’t for the planet. They were for the environmentalists. Like Mom.

And then, in that same routine, Carlin said, he said, the planet will be here after we’re long gone. And he added the inspiration: “The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.”

That was my Eureka moment.

I know how to get rid of fleas.

Case Number: HSFBDC42225I17

Excerpt:

…when the FBI received a notice from the Patent Office, delineating several patents that returned to the same man, known as the Scientist of Small Things. The small things, when combined in the proper order, could be seen as a potential terrorist threat. The patent office employee [name redacted] did not contact the FBI immediately. After some thought, however, she determined she could not remain silent….

It took very little tweaking to move from “Save The Earth For Environmentalists” to “Save The Earth.”

Because to save the earth for environmentalists, you have to know what will kill the little buggers. Instead of getting rid of those factors, you add to them. You tweak them.

You make them stronger.

I figured out the balance. Tweak this and touch that and you make the planet shake off the fleas a little faster. It is a multidisciplinary approach. To understand how water reaches entire populations, one must know the engineering of water treatment plants as well as urban planning. One must also learn the details of water processing in each community.

Tiny things, small things, all reported back to the one man who can understand it all.

Amassing small bits of data into one large experiment. Only large minds can understand this.

And there are very few large minds around any more.

Almost none.

Case Number: HSFBDC42225I17

Excerpt:

… the case built slowly. The initial investigator retired, and Agent William Franks took over. Franks had received a Masters in Biology from Harvard before joining the Bureau. He did not like the coincidences either, and talked off the record to two of Suttles/Bilojek’s graduate students. That raised enough suspicions to bring in additional field agents….

My pet graduate students run all of my projects. I have developed a multidisciplinary department, highly regarded, since most of my students go on to so-called great things in the so-called real world.

My current graduate students and post-docs are doing a one-day experiment for me, or so they think. They are not large minds. They are useful small minds. In the years I have planned this, it has always helped to have useful small minds.

It has also helped that in 2007 my mission changed from Save The World For Environmentalists to Save The World. Because of Mom, because of my initial environmentalist approach, I know how to talk to small minds, to make them believe I am on their side.

And I am. Truly I am. I do want to save the world.

In fact, my pet scientists and I are doing exactly that today.

My pet scientists have tweaked the ground water, and the air filtration systems. They’ve added toxins to all the poisons we already touch, from oil to Styrofoam. They’re adding viruses to enclosed spaces, like airplanes and ships. They’re even coating restaurant surfaces.

I don’t care how we get the fleas off the planet. I just care that we do.

And now we will.

As the first Earth Day T-shirt says, “We Have Met The Enemy and He Is Us.”

Case Number: HSFBDC42225I17

Homeland Security, FBI Division

Arresting Officer William Franks

Excerpt from Franks’ verbal message, attached to the huge packets of reports submitted to the U.S. Justice Department:

…gotta say, Dave, it’s a good thing guys like this are rocket scientists. If they understood people, they wouldn’t confess before the crime. Whenever I feel down about humanity, I gotta remember that good citizens saw this manifesto and reported it. Dunno if we got everyone, but I hope we did. If nothing else, the outbreaks will be isolated now. This guy had a good plan. He almost killed millions.

Creepy bastard. When I locked him up, he smiled at me like we were old friends. Then his grin widened to crazy. You know. You’ve seen it on the face of so many of these bastards.

Usually you can dismiss them. But I’m having trouble shaking this one. Because of what he said to me I started to walk away.

He said, “So, flea, how does it feel to save the world?”

 

Earth Day

Copyright © Kristine Kathryn Rusch

Published by WMG Publishing

Cover and Layout copyright © by WMG Publishing

Cover design by WMG Publishing

Cover art copyright © Matthew Trommer/Dreamstime

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. All rights reserved. This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.

Any use of this publication to train generative artificial intelligence (“AI”) technologies is expressly prohibited. The author and publisher reserve all rights to license uses of this work for generative AI training and development of machine learning language models.

It’s a new week of Women in SF&F Month, starting with a new guest post by Isabel J. Kim! Her short fiction has been selected for inclusion in The Best American Science Fiction and Fantasy 2023, 2024, and 2025, and it has been on the Locus Recommended Reading List multiple times. Some of her more recent short stories are “Why Don’t We Just Kill the Kid in the Omelas Hole,” a Nebula, Locus, and BSFA Award winner and Hugo Award […]

The post Women in SF&F Month: Isabel J. Kim first appeared on Fantasy Cafe.

Happy Monday, BDH!

A couple of quick updates to start the week.

First, for everyone asking about purchasing the commissioned This Kingdom Will Not Kill Me artwork:

If you are looking for prints of the character art, Helena Elias’ store is open and she has a special Ilona Andrews page.

Luisa Preissler announced that her store will soon be carrying character art cards, and she showed the proofs on Instagram yesterday.

If you’d like to know when they go on sale, please sign up for Luisa’s newsletter here.

Candice Slater is also currently working through options for the Kair Toren art, which you can admire here.

If you want prints and cards and probably calendars, please buy them from the artists directly. The Ilona Andrews merch store will focus instead on book tie-in items, such as vellum inserts meant to go into the hardcover, bookmarks, and similar goodies.

And speaking of goodies, here is the Zoom recording from Saturday, where Ilona and Gordon answered your questions about This Kingdom Will Not Kill Me.

If you would like to use the transcript function on YouTube, click on the video description or the three-dot menu, and select Show transcript.

Thank you all for the incredible enthusiasm, the thoughtful questions, and the general release-week chaos. The BDH has been in magnificent form.

The post Art & Zoomies first appeared on ILONA ANDREWS.

LitStack Spots Ali Smith Here are a few other titles Litstack spotted and are adding…

The post Spotlight on “Glyph” by Ali Smith appeared first on LitStack.

Is that…MY TAIL?! AAAAAAAAAH!

…the everloving hell?

She does that. Don’t worry about it.

I kinda am.

Who’s the new guy?

I have queeestions.

I reinstalled Elder Scrolls Online, which is a rabbit hole I jump down periodically. I usually do side, and zone, quests. But when I decide to follow some of the main storyline, I am delighted to come across John Cleese’s Sir Cadwell. He is the a rather mad soul shriven who guides the characters in Cleese’s inimitable style. Every scene with Cleese is fun, and he also plays a part in one of the large DLCs.

Here’s a short ‘official’ video on the creation of the character. I think you’ll get the feel of this erratic character. Includes Cleese talking about it.

It’s a blessing he is still with us; active at 86.

Some folks are aware of his The Strange Case of the End of Civilization as We Know It (discussed at the end of this post). I set out to write about that awful Sherlock Holmes parody movie. I wrote this essay instead. And ten years later, I still have no interest in re-watching and writing an essay on Strange Case. It is just too dumb.

However, I do think folks who like Cleese, should give a watch to a better Sherlock Holmes project he did four years before Strange Case. It’s out there on YouTube. And while it’s not brilliant, I found it entertaining Cleese. And I will always watch something John Cleese, which makes me smile. He’s genuinely a feel-good kind of guy. So, read on about Elementary: My Dear Watson.

John Cleese is best known, of course, as the sardonic Q opposite Daniel Craig’s James Bond in Die Another Day. He’s not as well remembered for his role in the British comedy troupe, Monty Python. I’m kidding!

On January 18, 1973, the final episode of Python’s third season aired. It was Cleese’s last episode with the group, which would continue on for one more season. That very same day, Cleese’s next project aired – Comedy Playhouse Presents: Elementary, My Dear Watson. It was produced by Barry Took, who had brought the Python members together.

I’m going to tackle the Achilles heel (really, it’s more like the entire torso) of this show, the plot: or rather, the lack of one. It’s barely a story. Try to stick with me, and no, I’m not leaving things out: it really goes like this…

SPOILER – THIS IS THE STORY. YOU CAN GO WATCH FIRST, OR KEEP READING.

The show opens in a room full of dead lawyers, slumped over their desks, each with a knife in the back. Thus the show’s subtitle, The Strange Case of the Dead Solicitors. A policeman and a secretary exchange what are intended to be witty comments, which immediately brings the lame laugh track to the viewer’s attention.

The scene switches to Baker Street where Cleese (an acceptable looking Holmes) is dining with his Watson, well played by William Rushton. Though there is no audience laughter, I enjoyed Watson’s comment about frequently neglecting his practice to dash off on one of Holmes’ hair-brained schemes, while still living comfortably.

After asking Watson what year it is (he looks at his watch and replies, “1973”), Holmes summons a cab, which pulls up to the curb: it’s a horse-drawn hansom and Holmes makes a reference to Doyle, letting us know that they know they’re in a television show. There’s more of that.

Holmes has been summoned by a Lady Cynthia to a country estate where the old family curse of a deadly rattlesnake has started up again. The snake is killing various animals. What?

But en route, Holmes and Watson are pulled into the case of the dead solicitors. While they are pushing a desk with a dead solicitor from London to Manchester to the studios of the tv game show, Call My Bluff, (the actual cast appears and lampoons their own show) Fu Manchu gets into the act.

I’m not making this up!

Fu Manchu ends up with the desk and body, while Holmes gets confused over the Euston and Paddington train stations and he and Watson end up riding back and forth all over England.

Holmes, annoyed with his deerstalker, throws it out of the train window and it lands on the dead solicitor being pushed along by Fu Manchu and his henchman. They fear Holmes is on to them! Inexplicably, Holmes had sewed the letter with Lady Cynthia’s address into the hat, and now they won’t be able to find her house. So, they go back and look for it. Um…

Animals keep dying at Lady Cynthia’s estate (all in the same room…) and she fears her son will be the next victim. Her frantic calls to the police provide no help. The train mishaps have resulted in Holmes and Watson spending three days en route and finally her son is bitten and dies. Soon, all her animals and son dead, we see her menaced by a rattlesnake as she tells it a story to try and distract it.

Holmes makes a wild series of deductions with no logic whatsoever, yells “There’s not a moment to lose” and rushes out the door: falling right off the train.

In a full-leg cast, arm in a cast, and head wrapped from the fall, Holmes and Watson confront Frank Potter, a reformed piano tuner who is actually Moriarty in Elizabethan drag. There’s something about piano tuning, which is the offense that put Potter in jail. Piano tuning is a crime? They convince Potter/Moriarty to come with them to help tune a piano. I don’t get it.Of course, you can tuna piano, but you can’t tuna fish (little classic rock joke for you).

We shift to Fu Manchu, loading five crates, labeled as dead solicitors with knives in backs, onto an airplane. Lady Cynthia, on the phone with the police screams. The snake had killed her as well. Everyone there is dead.

Watson is now dressed as Cyrano De Bergerac (I think) so that all three men look ridiculous and if confronted, can pretend they’re escapees from the nearby asylum.

Moriarty gets a phone call on the way and stays behind. He’s being booked for a show at the London Palladium. The less-than-dynamic duo arrives at the airport as Manchu’s plane takes off and Watson observes that they are too late. “I think not, Watson. Reverse the film!”

And yes, the film runs backwards, the evil doctor backs right into a police van, which takes him away, and the case is solved. Uh huh. The Prime Minister goes on television, congratulating the film editors for saving the day, under instructions from Holmes.

At Baker Street, Holmes tells Watson that Frank Potter/Moriarty had nothing to do with the case. He was a red herring to fill in time so that the script wouldn’t be five minutes short. Watson drinks from a glass in each hand, tells Holmes that he never ceases to amaze him and Holmes says, “Elementary, my dear Watson.” And the show ends.

END SPOILER

John Cleese clearly knows sketch comedy. And he was just wrapping up his brilliant run in Monty Python. But a thirty-minute collection of “bits” with a practically non-existent plot doesn’t really make a television show. I’ll let you watch it to find out why Fu Manchu was trying to get five dead solicitors, slumped over their desks with knives in their backs, to China. Hint – they are presents.

Some things aren’t funny, or just don’t make sense, or both. Why is Jack the Ripper constantly calling Scotland Yard to make a statement? At his house, Moriarty makes a lewd comment and shoos out a blonde wearing only a towel. Watson leers at her as she goes up the stairs and he has to be called in to the other room by Holmes.

However, there is some humor in this show and it’s worth watching. Holmes’ observation of a particular type of mud found on Manchu’s elbow is an amusing dig at Doyle’s penchant for that type of thing. I think that Watson’s comments are among the best lines throughout the show and Rushton is a pretty good parody Watson without being a bumbling fool.

Josephine Tewson, playing Lady Cynthia, appeared in another Holmes parody. She played the nun in the miserable Peter Cook/Dudley Moore Hound of the Baskervilles. THAT was a dog.

It isn’t much of a surprise that the show did not get picked up. I can’t imagine what they would do on a weekly basis when they couldn’t even come up with a plot for a thirty-minute pilot. Two years later, Cleese would star in the short-lived but much funnier Fawlty Towers. Which he is working on a new play about, with his daughter.

Elementary, My Dear Watson, was not Cleese’s only attempt at spoofing Holmes, though it was his best. In 1975, he played Arthur Sherlock Holmes (the detective’s grandson) in The Strange Case of the End of Civilization as We Know It. The only reason I don’t call it the worst Holmes-related film ever, is because I’m not sure whether the aforementioned Cook/Moore Hound deserves the title, or if Strange Case (next week’s topic) does. Or if that should be given to Will Ferrell’s Holmes and Watson (ugh). Maybe Strange Case was funny for its time (Henry Kissinger is gunned down by Arabs at the beginning), but I don’t think I laughed once, the entire movie.

Elementary, My Dear Watson does have enough funny bits to make it worthwhile. And as I said, John Cleese has a way of making you smile, even if if later you think ‘That was odd.” But as a thirty-minute comedy show, it came up short of making me want to see more. But I’ll watch this over Strange Case, any day. And I did smile as I re-watched it for this post. It is fun.

Bob Byrne’s ‘A (Black) Gat in the Hand’ made its Black Gate debut in 2018 and has returned every summer since.

His ‘The Public Life of Sherlock Holmes’ column ran every Monday morning at Black Gate from March, 2014 through March, 2017. And he irregularly posts on Rex Stout’s gargantuan detective in ‘Nero Wolfe’s Brownstone.’ He is a member of the Praed Street Irregulars, and founded www.SolarPons.com (the only website dedicated to the ‘Sherlock Holmes of Praed Street’).

He organized Black Gate’s award-nominated ‘Discovering Robert E. Howard’ series, as well as the award-winning ‘Hither Came Conan’ series. Which is now part of THE Definitive guide to Conan. He also organized 2023’s ‘Talking Tolkien.’

He has contributed stories to The MX Book of New Sherlock Holmes Stories — Parts III, IV, V, VI, XXI, and XXXIII.

He has written introductions for Steeger Books, and appeared in several magazines, including Black Mask, Sherlock Holmes Mystery Magazine, The Strand Magazine, and Sherlock Magazine.

You can definitely ‘experience the Bobness’ at Jason Waltz’s ’24? in 42′ podcast.